I'm a very poor Canadian

I've come to the conclusion that I am a very poor excuse for a Canadian. I don't mean 'poor' in a fiscal sense -- though I am that, too -- but poor in that I seem out-of-touch with those elements of 'Canadian-ness' that the media and assorted polls indicate are the essential elements of Canuck passion and/or angst from coast to coast.
Here are just some of the things that render me a lesser Canadian:

• I don't drink beer, so that 'Joe Canadian' crap is just an embarrassment in that it suggests that Canadians are nothing but brewski swilling louts who loudly mouth the basest of chauvinistic sentiments. And we think the Americans are crass?
• I don't hate Americans. I don't even dislike them. I like traveling in their country, and most Yanks I've encountered have been gracious and friendly. I think they are a tad gun-prone, and I don't agree with some of their foreign policy. But, as a bad Canadian, I don't agree with any of ours.
• I think Celine Dion (I shudder to even write the name), and Shania Twain (she is much cuter, I'll grant) are two of the most execrable singers after Whitney Houston. And, that old hippie icon, Joni Mitchell, has always been plain awful.
• I believe that an awful lot of people associated with the federal Liberals should be doing hard-time. But, this being Canada, you know they won't. That's a disgrace.
• The fact that Paul Bernardo and that frightening Homulka creature are still sucking the air of God's green earth is an outrage.
• I don't care if Prince Charles marries his Labrador retriever. The monarchy means nothing to me, and I am amazed that it means anything to anybody else in this country. Maybe I'll be a better Canadian when Canada becomes a grown-up nation and moves out of its juvenile dependency on certain trappings of a land that is of no significance at all to anybody on the planet. And, I state that as a confirmed anglophile who has lived in England. However, I suffer no delusions about the place.
• Most of all, however, I am a bad Canadian because I cut no quarter for winter sports. The NHL strike meant less than nothing to me other than it left the CBC scrambling for something to fill its otherwise left-leaning and vacuous broadcasting hours. If hockey never comes back in its former incarnation, I think we'll all be the better for it. But, I guess good Canadians need to have something to while away those bleak winter hours (winter lasts for about 11 1/2 months in some parts of the land, I am led to believer; I live on the West Coast, so I wouldn't know about that) and that has to be something to do with ice. So, with no hockey, we get curling! Curling, for heaven's sake. Bowling on ice. Curling is more boring than golf -- and that's going a stretch. The fact that there are those who not only participate in curling, but also watch it, I find frightening. The fact that these people are my compatriots, I find even more frightening. But, I do have one question. Why are so many of the women who participate in curling such hotties? Is there something about the game I don't know, and that I should perhaps find out about.