‘One evening I sat Beauty in my lap.
-- And I found her bitter. -- And I cursed her.’
- Arthur Rimbaud

‘Fantasy.’ The Oxford Dictionary describes it as an “extravagant imagining,” or a “fanciful” thought. A fantasy, therefore, is not the world as it is, it is the world as you’d like it to be.

Fantasies can be about wondrous vacations in exotic spots; magnificent automobiles or houses; acquiring vast wealth that would solve all your problems. The lion’s share of male fantasies, however, are about sex and all that that entails. Of 100 given fantasies, it would probably be fair to say that at least 95 are erotic in nature. Sexual fantasizing is natural and normal. Even women do it. I daresay that if it weren’t for sexual flights of fancy there would probably be less love-making. A good thought-balloon can make up for any jolt of reality. If, on occasion it makes it work better if Michelle Pfeiffer is beneath (or above) you, you don’t need to feel ashamed. Just make sure you call out your wife’s name in the those final throes of passion, however.

In any case, if sexual fantasy weren’t part of the equation, then why would your wife or girlfriend bother decking herself out in a see-through peignoir, or skimpy silky panties, when plain old cotton skivvies or flannel jammies would serve the function better?

Men, sexologists say, will fantasize about virtually anybody. All it takes is for a man to see a woman sitting in a restaurant or waiting for a bus, and he will imagine himself indulging astonishing intimacies with this person he doesn’t even know. I was once sitting in a pub in a small town in northern England, and my eye caught that of a relatively ordinary looking woman who was sitting with a man I assumed was her husband. Every time I looked up, she was looking at me. Ultimately it became a game in which we held each other’s gaze longer and longer. I confess I was getting a bit turned-on. So, I imagine, unless I was thoroughly misreading the situation, was she. It didn’t take me long to imagine all sorts of slippery intimacies with this stranger. Nothing of the sort happened, of course, and we both went on our respective ways, never to see each other again. But, I thought at the time, if we had both been alone at the time, where might it have gone? Possibly to her bed. That’s how virile fantasies can be. Would I, or any other man, have ‘done it’ with this virtual stranger if I’d had the chance? I certainly would have been tempted, provided there was no threat to my domestic situation.

Of any group, sexual fantasies are a special reserve bailiwick for middle-aged guys. Certainly, younger males indulge in sexual fantasies to the degree they develop humongous biceps, but they haven't explored the world enough to realize they will never attain that magazine centerfold.

Middle-aged guys are more prosaic in their fantasies. They lust over rather pedestrian females who have something to offer the airbrushed magazine babes never do -- they're real people.

Throughout your married or long-term relationship years you indulged in a lot of sexual fantasies. But now that you are separated and/or divorced, you are put in the uncomfortable position of having to make those fantasies real. This is finally the big-time, because you’ve reached the point where you want to try it again.

Hallelujah, you are past the pain of the break-up, sufficient time has gone by, and enough self-work has been undertaken that you know now you’re together enough to make it happen. Or so you hope.

Now, who is it going to happen with?

Portly late 30s, 40s or 50s males of your acquaintance -- perhaps even you -- may develop a certain tightness in the Levis over the little muffin-pants who brings you your mid-morning Danish and coffee at the bistro across the street from the office. She’s adorable, but, cross her off your list of possibilities. She’s far too young, and has youthful matters to attend to.; things that aren’t going to be of the slightest interest to you. She smiles and passes the time of day ever so perkily when she serves you your cappuccino, but have you ever gotten involved in any sort of real conversation with her? Of course you haven’t. You’d bore her senseless within 20 seconds if you offered opinions on world affairs or the state of the economy. Her subjects of interest would be equally tiresome to you. Don’t believe it? Listen in when she’s chatting to a girlfriend. Ask yourself how soon you would flee from the winsome charms of a cutie-pie who uses the word ‘like’ at least three times in any given sentence, with not one use of the word involving a comparison. You and she don’t linguistically live on the same planet. Add the likelihood she never even heard of Derek and the Dominoes. Need a little more convincing? You are five years older than her Dad.

I suggest your 'real' quest for a partner should involve somebody within an acceptable ballpark of your age and worldview. Of course, it depends on the maturity of the female. Some young women are wise well beyond their years, and are more comfortable with older men. Think of the Mariel Hemingway character in Woody Allen’s ‘Manhattan’, who was considerably more mature than Woody. Mind you, at 17, and in light of Woody’s later behavior, she was probably too old for him. But, you know what I mean. Think of Oona O’Neill and Charlie Chaplin. She was about a half century younger than he at the time, and they raised an entire family together, and stayed married until his venerable death. So, age doesn’t have to be an issue. I suspect commonalty of interests, and certainly of values are more important.

So, you soldier on looking for that just right someone. A word of caution. Don’t make the quests for a new ‘significant other’ a way-of-life. When it’s meant to happen, I firmly believe it will happen. Be patient, and don’t ever-ever-ever appear needy. Even if you’re feeling that way, never show it. Such behavior will open a virtual Pandora’s box of female fruitcakes.

Being more realistic now, you will scope out such available females as supermarket checkout persons, a colleague (not always a good idea), a waitress, a dental assistant (of course, they get to see you at your absolute worst, so they might have a negatively biased view of you), a bank teller, a flight attendant, a shop clerk, a nurse, a doctor, your kid's teacher, and so on and so on. The possibilities are endless. If you have a healthy fantasy life, it maybe will involve all of the aforementioned (no, not at one time), until you find the one who tickles your fancy the most. You’ll know when that happens.

Whom you will want, ideally, will be somebody who looks like a cross between Meg Ryan and Kate Winslet, who is within a reasonable number of years of your age (either younger or older) who is well-adjusted, has no substance abuse problems, is sexy and sexual, is a fine cook, is of pleasant disposition, is witty, intelligent, unconditionally faithful, fashionable (but not over the top), clean of person, and has a notable income. Yeah, right. This person will come along around about the time you win the lottery.

What will be available, however, just might be some variations on the following. If so, vow to take cold showers and remain single. For, there are indeed some personality types that should be scratched from your list if you want your impending new relationship to be a better one than last time around. I’ll suggest you be very, very afraid of the following distaff persons:

• the emotionally needy: These poor souls can be open and receptive to any and all attentions. You may think you're having fun kidding around with her. She's mapping out a lifetime with you, and has also thought of a few bad habits you have that she will want to change. There is a reason she is available. You don't want to know the reason. Once this person has you in her clutches, consider your freedom over. She will seek all of your attention all of the time. She will phone you 15 times a day at work, and don’t you dare consider taking a female colleague to coffee. You will have no females in your life other than her, and that includes your mother, your sister, your ex-wife, your daughter and ‘all’ female friends and acquaintances. In fact, she won’t like your male friends much either, and will do her damnedest to break those friendships up.
   
• the predatory: This woman is to be feared. If she wants you, she will pull out all stops to get you. If you had still been attached, she wouldn’t have cared. You’ve seen ‘Fatal Attraction’, so you know what I’m talking about. But now that you’re not taken, it’s even better for her -- you are hers for the bidding. She's a bit crazy, highly mercenary, and she's dangerous. Also, don’t count on her being faithful. If dropping her drawers will get her something she wants, she will divest for somebody else with impunity. Steer clear, and hope she meets someone as evil as she is. That would be justice.
   
• the partier: Drinks too much. Dopes too much. Initially will seem like a lot more fun than your ex. You know, uninhibited and a real wild child. She's not. Get with her and eventually you'll go down the drain, too. Your life will go to hell. You'll end up on the streets. Don't say I didn't warn you.
   
• the weird: On the surface she seems like a very pleasant person, if a little intense. She’s probably kind of striking in a bohemian sort of way, and she is certainly a person with strong political and philosophical views. Views well apart from the mainstream. Perhaps she’s a bit unconventional and uninhibited, even kinky sexually, and that’s kind of appealing for about ten minutes. Yet if you tap a little deeper you find elements that are disturbing. For example, there are photos of kids on her bedside table. Her kids? Why doesn’t she have custody of them? If you ask her, she won’t really say. So, was she married before? Is she still married? She won’t come clean about that one, either. She might not be an outright wacko, but certain mysterious elements are better off left as mysteries, and you should no longer be there once they are revealed.
   
• looking for a Daddy for the kids: She’s warm and gracious out in public. She’s bouncy and fun. She’s cute in a blonde-hair, button-nose, big-boobs kind of a way. Awfully nice to cuddle with. She takes you home. You meet her three kids. There is 17-year-old Ralph. He’s a druggie. You know that he is because you recognize the signs in his pinpoint pupils, shaved head, tattoos and the ass-backward ballcap. There is 15-year-old raging vegan Anthea, who looks like Morticia Addams, or the Winona Ryder character in ‘Beetle Juice’. She’s downright scary. Finally there is eight-year-old Travis who proves that Ritalin treatment doesn’t always work. Watch the dynamic the first time you come to dinner. You will suddenly see your bouncy, boobsie new love interest turn into a raging, screaming troll who makes it very clear why the kids are all fucked-up. And, of course, she doesn’t just want to marry you, she wants you to adopt the kids and insert a positive male influence in the household. Don’t hit your ass with the door as you beat a hasty retreat.
  
• the religioso: OK, your life has been a little scattered since your marriage breakup and you want somebody calm and stable with whom to settle down. Somebody who has fine values, and is maybe a bit spiritual. She tells you she goes to church. That doesn’t bother you. Hell, maybe you’ll even start going to church with her. She likes that. She even -- conscious that it’s actually a sin to introduce genitals to each other before marriage -- agrees to trip the carnal fantastic with you. And, she’s actually very good, and gentle and sweet. Yet, with a little checking around the assorted tracts you’ve happened upon in her living room, and bedroom, you’ve found information that causes that little nut of unease in your gut to sprout and grow tiny vines of apprehension. When you think religion your mind goes in the direction of your basic Protestant sects (but not too holy-roller), Catholic, Jewish and the like. But when you see references to the Universal Church of the Mystical Phantasm that is led by one Brother Ignatius “Whence all goodness flows”, who looks unnervingly like the Reverend Jim Jones, you wonder if perhaps you haven’t happened upon a cultist. This will not be a good blend. Depart before she decides a loving-cup of raspberry Kool-Aid would be just the thing to finish off a torrid evening’s romping.
  
• the never-married: Why has a woman of 35 or 45 never tied that connubial knot, or been in a long-term live-in relationship? There may be very good reasons, like she was waiting for just the right guy to come along, and you happen to be that ‘right guy.’ Check this situation out, nevertheless. If you are interested enough in going the full course with her eventually, you have a right to know why she’s been so gun-shy. If she’s been alone most of her adult life, she’s going to be pretty set in her ways, and might not adjust too readily to your leaving the toilet-seat up, or your assorted digestive noises, not to mention the snoring. Maybe she’s terrified of sex. You’ll find this out pretty quickly. Maybe there’s some horrendous trauma in her background that will grow increasingly difficult to get around unless she has had a lot of therapy. Maybe she’s essentially a lesbian, but has become hetero-curious. Work out the answers to your questions before you commit.
  
• the multi-multi relationship person: You knew she’d been married and divorced a couple of times, and been in two other long-term relationships. That’s OK. Your experience has been pretty much the same, and you have come together on that common ground of knowing what each of you wants, and what each of you doesn’t want. This can be a positive situation. But, let’s say you’re sitting around her sister’s place one evening and her sister says, “Remember when you were living with Seymour?” Wait a minute! Who’s Seymour? You’ve never heard of him. And, if there’s a Seymour you haven’t heard of, is there a Hubert, and an Alfonso, and an Abdul, and a Sebastian, and 20 or 30 other guys who explored her upper thighs over the last 20 years? Was she spreading it around all over town like a carnal charity service? When you told your mechanic who you were seeing, did he smirk and say, “Oh yeah, I know her.”? None of your suspicions may be true, but the possibility of a highly colorful history is going to leave you wary. It should. Honesty is the key to a successful relationship.
  
• the computer date: You can meet some very interesting people on the Internet. And you can meet some very scary people on the Internet. How do you know which sort you have established a fast and furious relationship with? You don’t. It is a crap-shoot. Psycho, or love-of-your-life? Who can say? But, you can run the same risk cruising bars or chatting up that sweet-lipped soprano at church choir practice.

I don’t know how many computer-spawned relationships ever come to fruition and leave the principals living happily ever after. Probably some. But, just remember, all you get in an email is what the other person wants you to know. All you have are electronic, self-aggrandizing words that may be pure bullshit, or may be the utter truth. Take it slowly.

If you decide you want to meet somebody you’ve corresponded with, make it low-key, don’t give her the key to your house and your PIN number, and just suss her out the way you would anybody. What will happen is what will happen. When I was single I met some very interesting Internet ‘companions’. Some were cut-to-the-chase, sexually-frustrated married women who seemed happy to indulge in no-holds-barred correspondence, others were sincere ladies who were seeking a mate and not on-line hanky-panky. For a while I even dated somebody I met on the Internet. She was a fine, intelligent, very attractive person, and she and I had many things in common. It didn’t work out, for a number of reasons, but we still correspond periodically, and I hold her in high esteem.

• the culturally very-very different: I’m not ethnocentric in the slightest. One of the things I love about Hawaii -- along with about 10,000 other things -- is the racial mix. Everybody is in a relationship with somebody of some other culture, and the kids are rainbow hued. I think it’s grand, and the way it should be in this stupidly insular, troubled world. So, I’m not talking about getting involved with somebody of a different race or ethnicity -- go for it, it will broaden your horizons. I’m talking about getting involved with somebody who comes from a culture that is utterly alien in belief to your own. If she is a devout Muslim with a Shiite background and you’re a Presbyterian, I think your chances of coming to a meeting of the minds is doubtful. If she is a Dutch South African and still adheres to the mindset that the blacks are really the children of Cain, and you are a small-L liberal, I can see a lot of room for disputes. And Australian Aboriginal women are nothing but trouble. You want to sit back and catch ‘Law and Order’, and she’s on a quest with a boomerang, looking for rabbits.
  
  Ultimately you’ll find the right person, if it’s important to you to be in a new relationship. Be patient. There’s also another consideration, and that is that you might not really want the tie. You may have come to value your liberty and freedom of movement. You’ve got your own place, you have your friends, you’ve come to delight in your solitude that leaves you with the right to make your own choices about when you go to be, and when you get up. You can eat what you want, and vacation where you want. Nobody, absolutely nobody has the power to criticize you. It’s not bad at all.

Once you reach that state of contentment, then be forewarned. That’s when you’re going to meet just the right person. Funny how it often works that way.

Email Ian Lidster